I hate it when I start thinking someone has said something that they haven’t said. Old issues and fears raise their ugly heads to the surface and I find myself responding to them instead of what is actually happening. I’d rather not have this happen but suppose it is part of my journey to healing. In some ways, it would be easier for me to decide for the other person what it is they feel, what it is they are saying, what it is they want. It’s less painful to confirm my fears to myself rather than have the other person confirm them. But, then, where does that leave me? Where does it leave them? I know it’s not quite fair to either of us. My fears are based on what my reality has been in the past but my fears don’t get to decide my current or future reality. In my mind, I know the likelihood is small that these fears are true but my heart is terrified. I know these are my own issues I must work through. It is nothing the other person has said or done. I don’t really want them to know how much turmoil I’m in over something that hasn’t even happened. It sounds crazy. I’ve learned to work these things out on my own and so I try to do this. Then a memory of a few things I, myself, have said before comes to my mind – ‘some wounds can’t be healed on their own….. you must risk someone seeing you for who you are….. you are not alone in your fears’.
So, after struggling with it on my own for a little too long, I take that excruciating step of telling the other person what it is I fear, what it is that hurts, what it is I’m hearing them say even though they’ve never said it. I trust just a little bit more. I let someone in just a little more. And while I don’t quite understand, my fears are not confirmed. The love has not disappeared. I have not done anything wrong. I have not been abandoned. I am still loved. I am still held. I am still valued. And as I recover from this storm of emotions, I rest in these arms; I rest in this love; I rest in this new knowledge I have gained. I rest my weary and treasured heart and say thank you.